Something I have been hearing a lot from people lately is this: gosh youre strong, I dont know how you do it, I dont know if I could.
It all comes down to your perspective.
Yes, theyre talking about my relationship break down with someone I love very much. The past few months have been nothing short of painful but also extremely empowering. Yes quite obviously my heart has been broken and sure it hurts my human heart, however it can always heal and come back together again.
Each and every time we go through experiences that tear us down they actually strengthen us more and more each time. Another layer of lessons in my belt with every wound that gets healed.
I am a huge believer in the universal power and law. I know that I call in all the experiences I have, whether good or bad. I love that! It means I am forever learning from this so called University of Life. I learn so much more bout myself every time, I learn how to show up in the world for not only me but those I care about and those I work with.
There have been so many chances for me to expand over the past few months as I go through this process of heartache, chances to learn how to hold on to my power, protect my energy and to practice more gratitude when Ive felt anything but grateful.
Perhaps though, one of the most powerful lessons that Ive learnt through all of this is that the pain thats been inflicted upon me wasnt actually about me. I was just in the firing line of it. I held space for those shots. I processed them and moved through (a lot of) them.
As a result, Im more empathetic than ever before, more understanding and a better coach because of it.
What i also learnt through this time is that people that you love and trust, that you think will be there for you throughout these challenging times, just arnt, for whatever reason. However those who you least expect are the ones who hold space for you, shine a light so you can walk towards it.
People who hurt you, hurt you because theyre hurting. They’ll break you because they are broken. They’ll lie to you because theyre not true and honest with themselves. They’ll control you because its the only human way they know how to get what they think they need.
The human condition is deeply flawed, and out of pure desperation, a lost soul will steal nourishment from another because it knows no other way to survive.
So this is where I want you to remember, darling its not about you.
More often than not those who inflict pain on others (either consciously or subconsciously) are experiencing a mountain of their own pain. Their own understandings, perspectives and actions are rooted in deep suffering that has NOTHING to do with you.
Of course that doesnt mean youre immune to the shots that get fired at you, especially when you are in direct radius. Whether earned or not, suffering is still suffering. It still hurts no matter your perception this I also learnt.
We just need to learn to hold space and compassion for these people at the same time of having energy boundaries for ourselves. We can control our own pain and experiences by remembering that it has nothing to do with us. We can choose what we do with the shots that come our way. But Its not ours to hold.
Something Ive learnt also from clients and friends is that there seems to be some sort of fear and hesitation in practicing empathy towards those who hurt us… why is this I ask?
When you choose to love someone its unconditional right? Not only that, we are all on our own journeys and we must understand and allow others to keep growing and expanding.
When we practice empathy towards those who hurt us, are we excusing their behaviours? Are we saying its ok to hurt other people because youre a hurt person? Are we invalidating our own hurt and pain if we choose to look at things the way i do?
I get it! Yes on the surface, sure it makes sense to say F you for what you have done to me, or how much you have ‘destroyed’, ‘hurt’ me. But there is more to it than that, and when you are someone like me who chooses to always see why people do the things they do, understanding that we are all trying to just do the best we can with the best we know, with our past experiences makes my life a much smoother ride. Ultimately at the end of the day, having complete empathy for someone who has hurt us will actually serve us. It allows us the space to move past the shame, blame and attachment. It gives us space to heal and to expand. Acknowledging and accepting that its not about you, lets them off the hook yes, but it also sets you free too. It keeps you from attaching to a story that will only keep you stuck in the same place and not allow you to move forward and be present.
The truth is we all carry BS stories around with us, we all carry childhood wounds, trauma from past experiences - we all are trying to live according to our own narratives and its just that sometimes these cause harm to others.
What Ive learnt is not only for the other person, but for yourself we must have compassion but we also must hold space for the person we love. Give them a chance to wake up, unpack and unravel those stories in order to gain freedom and live the life they truly deserve. We all deserve a magical life, we all deserve to be loved, we are all worthy of so much in this life time. We are in no place of being able to judge who can or cant have what.
I ask you today if you have been hurt to lead with compassion and practice empathy whilst protecting your own energy.
And if a situation calls for it, be strong enough and have the courage to walk away, as sometimes this is the most compassionate thing you can do for another person - to give them the space and time to heal but also for you to do the same.